Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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