I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
