the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
