This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
