I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
