yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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