I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
