I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
