At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
