How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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