so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
bring money and cleavage
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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