you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
