I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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