Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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