You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
