Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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