yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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