Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
