He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
and she was petting her beer can
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
