wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
