All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
do herpes really smell.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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