I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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