and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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