So drunk, too bad you don't want this
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
