Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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