my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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