She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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