underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
