Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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