i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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