I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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