I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
