I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
