It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
