I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
