I cut my penus on the lid.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
