need another drink. this is the easiest way
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
