More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
