she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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