Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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