The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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