apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
