They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
