The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
