The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
