If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
