I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
