I hate all girls vehemently.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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