I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
