I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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