Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
