My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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