Banned from zoo.
Again?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
