I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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