We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
